A peaceful state of bliss. An apathy that has enveloped me entirely. To be less poetic and more vulgar, I'm living in "I-don't-give-a-fuck-Land." I don't care. That's what it comes down to. And the only part that's remotely bad about this is that it doesn't even bother me.

Even if I didn't care, I still should be freaked out that all this work is building up. But I'm not. I just don't care. It's wonderful. I have a 15 page philosophy paper due on Tuesday, a 5 page paper due on Wednesday. A German presentation also on Wednesday, and then finals start. I haven't been to class in two days. I just don't care. School is old and tired and I'm sick to death of it. It's so much nicer to not care.

There was one time last year that I fell really behind, and it terrified me. Not anymore. It's just not worth being upset over. I'm sure I'll kill myself Sunday and Monday and Tuesday. But I'll bet you that even then, I won't care.
I need a break. I've been in school for 16 years, and I've got another 4. I don't want anyone else shoving their theories down my throat. I don't want to have to write pointless essays. I don't care.
The apathy is even seeping into the other aspects of my life. Watchdawgs..... Spirit of Joy.... I still do what I have to, I even enjoy it while I'm doing it. But I don't look forward to anything anymore. I'm living in a second-by-second comfort zone.

There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become COMFORTABLY NUMB.

I have become Comfortably Numb.

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

Rememberance.... a three month break. I feel like so many words apply to today. A Walk to Remember. Not the teen star movie, but a real walk that I will really remember.

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain

I guess I need those three months. To think; to lick my wounds; to recover; to re-discover myself and re-define my reactions. I think, maybe, mostly to lick my wounds though. I don't think I ever really admitted how changed I really was.

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...
on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

Today was the nicest day that I've had in a long while. There were times when it was a bit ackward.... a comment here or a silence there that seemed out of place. But mostly it just worked. Nothing like how it was, and nothing like I would've expected. But somehow it worked all around. The walk.... Lunch.... the Winery.

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame

In any case. Thank you. Right now it kind of seems like a gift of serendipity. The conversations just before running into you two days in a row. Neither of us having anything to do. My lunch plans being cancelled. And November Rain coming on the radio as I was driving home. A whole string of coincidences that led to a wonderful time.
I'm trying to think of a better way to put it.... but all that comes out is Thank You.

So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain