"Every time the plane banked sharply I prayed for a crash or a mid-air collision."

From Fight Club....
I just need a reason to keep going. Something, anything. I can't see one anymore. I'm so very tired in every sense of the word, that all I want is a change. I don't care what. A car wreck, being fired, spring break... I mean I'd settle for anything that would get me out of this rut.
I'm ready to lie in bed for a month and not get out for anything. There's pressure from every side and no visible outlet. No valve to turn that will release the steam. This makes for a dangerous system. I caught myself beating the shit out of my steering wheel last night because it was the closest thing to me.

Where does a counselor go for counseling?
Where does a minister go to be ministered to?

I can't believe I condemned depression only last week.... I guess this is what you call irony.
But I somehow can't laugh at it.

I'm not suicidal, I'm not manic depressive, I'm not on the edge, I'm not even what I would call dangerous.
I keep telling myself that so many other people have it worse than me...
That this could be worse...
Which is exactly what I don't want to hear.

I'm just hitting bottom. I'm just tired. I just need a change of scenerey.
I need a release valve.

Is it REALLY that difficult to be happy? Is it really that hard? I don't understand it anymore.

I don't think he's looking for sympathy, that's not how it feels. He's just miserable all the time. Maybe he wants to be that sad. Maybe he feels better when he's depressed. Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing, so he chooses pain. But it CANNOT be that hard to get over.

I'm tired of seeing this. I'm tired of walking out of my door and seeing this spot of dull gray on my couch. He says he's looking for answers.... looking for a reason to go on.... Such crap. He's looking in the wrong place.

Religion is such a crock of shit sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love the Bible and have faith in God, that's not it. But to look to a book to give your life purpose? To expect to find happiness in that..... it's fantasy. Happiness is found in life, in experience. Happiness is found in other people, in relating to those people. Happiness is found in nature, even in the self. But it ISN'T found in some fucking book. I don't care how inspired it was or how many people have read it.

Take your happiness to the Bible, maybe. Take your joy to God. That's fine. That can give direction and multiply your happiness... sure. But going empty handed to God and asking to be filled is folly. Meditating on single lines of letters written thousands of years ago to long dead churches and hoping to find an answer in those single sentences is.... I mean.... it's pointless.
Paul was a smart guy. He was probably one of the greatest writers of ethical and theological theory in history. True. But no letter that Paul wrote contains happiness. And even if it is all truth that he wrote, meditating over it won't make you believe it anymore than just reading it once. You can't force yourself into believing someone else's experience of truth, faith, happiness or life. You have to find your own happiness and then you can empathize with someone else's... agree with it, criticize it, use their theories to refine your own. But that's it.

If I get hungry, I don't sit with my plate in front of me and wait for God to put food on it. I don't even ask God, however politely, to put food on my plate. I go out and I find food and eat it. And then I thank God for creating the food and giving me the tools with which to acquire it...

I just don't understand him anymore... which is sad, because I used to think that I did.
I used to empathise. Now I'm apathetic.