I'm flirting with burn-out this semester. I wouldn't have thought I would've gotten even more involved after last fall... but somehow I did. Everything I did last fall has gotten even more time-intensive. All of my comittments seem to think that they can demand even more from me. Learning to say "no" is going to swiftly become a survival skill. One of the really killing parts, though, is that none of my obligations are much interrelated. So I have trouble asking for help from one to the next. The people at Watchdawgs can sympathize with my responsibilities at church, but can never really help. And visa-versa. Add in classes that are (thankfully) not very work intensive yet, but still highly reading intensive and mentally draining..... I can feel the apathy begin to build in me. That isn't right.

Apathy is my natural reaction. Burning-out on all that I have to do, I simply will stop caring. And no one deserves that. I really just need to warn people that I must have a break. Not even a break... I just need a cap on my responsibilities. I can no longer have people assign me new tasks on top of the old ones. With added quantitiy, the qualitiy of all will suffer. And that, too, should never happen. It is my responsibilty to oversee my responsibilities.

My apologies to anyone I have neglected in any way shape or form. I am trying....

they call me the apologist.
and now that I'm at peak.
you know at first it really hurt.
we joke about these things.
I've skirted all my differences
but now I'm facing up.
I wanted to apologize for
everything I was. so
I'm sorry so sorry...

did you understand me right?
the people here are good.
they tell me what I should have done
and offer what I could.
I'm good all is good
all's well no complaints.
when I feel regret,
I get down on my knees and pray.
I'm sorry, so sorry...

I live a simple life
unfettered by complex sweets.
you think this isn't me?
don't be weak.
there I go.
I'm so sorry.

thank you for being there for me.
thank you for listening, goodbye.
I can forfeit selfishness
I hope for you that you apply
this happiness
this peacefulness
I'm sorry, so sorry...

I live a simple life
unfettered by complex sweets.
you think this isn't me?
that's so sweet.
I'm so sorry

broken..... fighting for composure..... terrified..... but mostly just broken

Questions are an avalanche. I feel like the second that I am forced into asking one question, the whole mountain slides down on me. I hate that I wrote about security two days ago. Nothing is certain at this point. broken... I feel even worse in the limbo that I am in than if it were over.

I shouldn't have just looked at that picture.

I refuse to give up, but somehow... the decision is no longer in my hands. I am placed at the mercy of the court. I am not guilty. Innocent. There aren't even any charges brought against me.

May the verdict come swiftly.

A slap in the face. Maybe to wake me up... but it stings.
I have a host of questions and none of the answers. My mind is racing trying to find answers and I only go in circles. So hard.
Why would that be said? I can think of any number of reasons; from the unwitting, to saying it out of kindness, out of malice... honesty, perhaps. Some combination there-of. I want to know what she thinks, how she feels. I want to know so that I can gauge my own response.

It sounded sincere. It even sounded kind, if that adjective applys. But I am plauged by doubt. And it isn't that I don't trust her.... I do; completely. But this almost seems to come as a realization of some of my fears... and that scares me. I get such mixed signals.... sometimes I feel so certain that all of my emotion is reciprocated.... but then the off-handed comment will hurt. and with that all of my questions return.

I guess the advise I gave Jon and Kasha comes back to me.... sit down, in person, and tell her all of this.
I guess I'm just scared.

A long pause..... a period of serenity in my life where I had nothing to say and little time to talk with. The nicest two months I can remember.
But now.... a little time and an idea to bring to the forum.

The swift is often fleeting... it builds quickly and tumbles the same way. Too much, too fast. Especially in a relationship. With people, you have to build slowly. Like the surf, try to run in and you may get farther faster... but when the water gets deep you trip and fall. It IS hard to keep a walking pace, though.

I have had a time. I may be in the unique position of being an ear to listen on both sides. And as much as I had, before, envied the level of intimacy... I can now still rest comfortably on the security that I have. But I would not wish the devestation on anyone. Advise is so difficult to give.... so much emotion. And advise is so logical a thing. Logic can never breech into the realm of emotion, the two don't play by the same rules. So you sit there and listen to everything that is said, give all the logical advise you can give.... and what have you done? You've listened. The biggest help you can do is listen.
Most people know the answer.... have always known the answer, they just don't want it.

How brief their flame, but how bright they burn.....
maybe.... just maybe.... this too, shall pass.